Week 6: A brief history of (Swedish) time

Hallå allesammans! Now, many people reading this may know where Sweden is or what the colour of the flag is. You may even know the countries that border it. But can you name all the Swedish monarchs? And do you know how long the Swedish “Golden Age” was?

Of course not, and more to the point, why would you need to? That’s not why I’m going over to Sweden, and that’s not what makes Swedish History interesting. What makes it interesting is the same thing that makes British History and any other sort of History interesting: namely, the little quirky things, the sort of things you read in a Horrible History book. Incidentally, if it wasn’t for Horrible Histories, I wouldn’t find my subject nearly as interesting: whether it was reading about Henry VIII almost getting killed whilst pole-vaulting or discovering that the Normans only won the Battle of Hastings because they cheated, those books were fantastic.

Speaking of 1066 and all that, here’s what I thought was a rather amusing fact – England may have had three kings in 1066-7, but Sweden had four, because after the death of Swedish King #1 (Stenkil), Swedish King #2 (Erik Stenkilsson) and Swedish King #3 (Erik the Pagan) both declared themselves King, both made war on each other, and both died in battle, leading to Swedish King #4 becoming King… for about three years. Rather tokig, I’m sure you’ll agree, although Swedish King #4 presumably didn’t mind the carnage too much.

As you may have realised, Erik’s quite a popular name in Sweden, especially as far as Kings go: fourteen of them are called Erik. In fact, if you’re not called Johann, Karl, Gustav, Adolf or Erik, chances are you’re not going to become King of Sweden, so bad luck there. Still, better than being called Eric “the lisp and lame”, which is what happened to Eric XI – not only was he lame in the physical sense, but he was also a lame excuse for a king, and got booted out of his own country in 1229 by his relative Canute II, who took the crown instead! For those who feel a bit sorry for Eric XI the Lisp and Lame, don’t worry: he came back five years later after Canute II snuffed it and ruled until 1250, so maybe he wasn’t so lame after all.

So what other amusing facts are there to be found in Swedish History? Well, here’s one to make you question the sanity of Swedish women: Gustavus II Adolphus’ wife kept his body, and later his heart, in her castle for over a year. Personally, I’m amazed that women are able to put up with the smell of men at all, but to manage living with a rotting corpse with a year shows commitment. It also makes you wonder if she wanted to put off potential suitors – “Well, I may be single; but on the other hand, there’s a dead guy in my castle who happens to be my late husband.” I’m guessing it did the trick.

Another interesting thing about Swedish History is that the current Swedish Royal Family isn’t really Swedish: it’s French. That’s because in 1810, with Napoleon having a laugh and a half in Continental Europe, the Swedes realised that it would be handy if the next monarch was pro-French, so they appointed a French Marshal called Jean-Baptiste Bernadotte, who became Karl XIV Johann despite not speaking a word of Swedish: utterly random, but completely true. He also witnessed the French Revolution, so clearly he wasn’t one for the quiet life!

Jean-Baptiste, or Charles XIV John, also got to be King of Norway, because from 1814 to 1905 Sweden and Norway were joined together – the joint flag, by the way, is one of the most atrocious flag designs I have ever seen, and is an insult to flag designers across the globe! I’ve put it up on the photos page if you want to have a look.

Sadly, Swedish history has been a bit dull over the last century or so, mainly because they will insist on remaining neutral: the Swedes didn’t get involved at all in either of the World Wars, and stayed out of all the Cold War sniping as well, which was probably a sensible idea. Modern history hasn’t been completely peaceful though, as one of their Prime Ministers was assassinated in the 80’s – sadly, it wasn’t acceptable. So there you are: a bit of Swedish history to mull over. In the meantime, I’d best be signing off. Next week, I hope to inform you of some Swedish culture, as it were. But “tills nästa gang”, stay tuned for the next instalment of…

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sweden (But Were Afraid to Ask)
Chris Stanley